


we can't help but fall sometimes

by littleluthor



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, and also i could use some after the episode too, had a whole lot of feelings to vent after the ep, they both really need some therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-22 14:28:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22884475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleluthor/pseuds/littleluthor
Summary: Goosebumps had erupted over her skin, all sense of warmth leached from her the moment that Supergirl had looked her in the eyes and used that word. Her heart splintered in her chest, the word shot through her flesh like a bullet that had ruptured inside of her, fragments of skin and bone shattered and aching in places that they shouldn’t be.
Relationships: Kara Danvers & Lena Luthor, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 32
Kudos: 329





	we can't help but fall sometimes

**Author's Note:**

> me: i'm not writing anything else until all my other fics are finished  
> me, two seconds later: i must immediately fix whatever the fuck happened last night
> 
> all mistakes are my own <3

_If you decide to forgive me, I will be there for you, but if you continue to work with Lex, if you go through with whatever it is that the two of you are planning, I will do everything in my power to stop you._

_Just like I would any other villain._

The gust from Supergirl’s abrupt departure icily caressed the tear tracks on Lena’s cheeks. Her muscles turned to lead as she stood rooted to the spot, eyes staring out at the world beyond her balcony.

A symphony of existence below - car horns blaring, kids laughing, the rumble of a motorcycle engine, the bark of a dog - drifted up, up, up towards where Lena stood, but it fell on deaf ears. She was buried so far inside of herself, so completely lost in the ache that had overcome her, that she was almost entirely unaware of her surroundings.

Goosebumps had erupted over her skin, all sense of warmth leached from her the moment that Supergirl had looked her in the eyes and used _that_ word. Her heart splintered in her chest, the word shot through her flesh like a bullet that had ruptured inside of her, fragments of skin and bone shattered and aching in places that they shouldn’t be.

The unfortunate truth was that Lena Luthor had not know her own worth. She relied on other people’s approval, required validation from anyone out-with the confines of her own brain to make her feel like she belonged in this world - something that, as the _Luthor bastard child_ , was never easy to gain.

Until she met Kara Danvers.

The woman had come beaming into her life and altered Lena’s entire sense of the world. She had struck the match that flooded all of the cruel, aching, darkness with a light so bright that even the sun would be envious.

The shift had been achingly slow at first, but Lena had gradually began to accept that if someone as incredible as Kara Danvers _truly_ believed in her, then maybe she _was_ someone worth believing in.

_You have to have faith in someone before they earn it. Otherwise it’s not faith, right?_

Kara hadn’t taught Lena how to love herself, but she had been the bridge that was helping her get there.

Lena Luthor had fallen in love with Kara Danvers, with the way she saw the world and how she carried her own grief. She had fallen in love with strength and the kindness of her heart, with the bravery and selflessness that bled into every single thing that she did.

Lena had also fallen in love with herself, with the version of herself that she could see through Kara’s eyes. She wanted to be that person, to be someone truly worthy of Kara Danvers. To be good, and kind, and brave. Oh, how she tried.

Now though, it felt as though Kara had torn out the foundation and set the bridge alight with gasoline. Had it all been a lie? Had she ever _truly_ believed in Lena or had she always felt this way? Had she always viewed her as a villain?

Perhaps their friendship had been a little _too_ easy . It made sense after all.

For all of her degrees, Lena had still been unable to decipher the science of likeability. Her intelligence intimidated people, her last name terrified them and her CEO status put her on a pedestal high above them - in their eyes, she was untouchable. So no one ever tried to get close, Lena wasn’t warm or friendly. She didn’t know how to make people like her. How could she achieve such a thing, when in all honesty she didn’t really like herself all that much?

Had Kara known that the version of herself Lena was striving to be was always going to be a lost cause?

_“If you decide to forgive me—”_

The words played over in Lena’s head as she finally found the strength to move her limbs. She walked stiffly over to the couch, eyes hazy and unfocused as she curled up into a ball and pulled one of the large, padded cushions flush against her chest.

She couldn’t prevent the onslaught of tears that hit the moment that she lay down. She felt herself crumbling, boxes that she had so desperately tried to tape up and hide away in the darkest recesses of her mind were now tumbling, crashing to the floor and freeing the contents. She couldn’t keep up with it, she couldn’t collect the mess and pack it away again, and so Lena allowed it to take over. She allowed the sobs to wrack her body as she clung onto the pillow for dear life.

The biggest ache, the one that had been with her long before Kara had shown up on her balcony that evening, was that Lena had already forgiven her.

She had tried to hate her. _Oh how she had tried._

And honestly, she thought that she had succeeded for a while, until Kara had given her that stupid watch and, in true Kara Danvers fashion, told her to call whenever she needed anything. It was then that Lena realized she didn’t hate the woman standing in front of her, she wasn’t capable of it.

She was simply heartbroken, nothing more and nothing less. She was hurt, she ached for things to be how they used to be, and she was a little mad at the universe for it, but she did not hate Kara. She wished that things had transpired differently, she wished that Kara hadn’t lied to her.

She wished for a lot of things.

In truth, Lena loved her, after everything, she still loved her so much, and she wished that it didn’t hurt so much.

A rapping on the glass of Lena’s balcony doors startled her out of her thoughts as she instinctively jerked up, heart racing against the inside of her chest while she frantically tried to dry her eyes with the scratchy material of her sleeve.

Kara was there, her palms pressed up against the glass as she watched Lena. She almost looked frightened and there was a frantic energy buzzing around her, visible in her eyes and the way her face seemed to contort with whatever was weighing her down.

“Lena, please.” Kara gestured to the door, one that they both knew was unlocked.

“I get it, Kara.” Lena winced as she heard her own voice, hoarse and broken from the way in which she had been crying. “Just leave me alone. I can’t take anymore.”

“I’m sorry.” Kara’s voice was muffled through the glass, but the pleading in her tone was still audible. “I should never have- Can you let me in? I just want to explain.”

Lena was half convinced that she had cried herself to sleep, the exhaustion finally taking over as she submitted to it. She had no idea what time it was, no clue how long it had been since Kara had shot off from the balcony earlier that evening. It felt blurry in her mind, she wasn’t sure how long she had stood before laying on the couch. She wasn’t sure how long she had been laying on the couch before now.

Lena didn’t have enough fight left in her to protest, she just wanted it all to be over. Her bones ached, her heart was pleading for a break and she was ready to lose herself in a bottle of scotch for a little while.

“You’ve made your feelings for me perfectly clear. I’m asking now, if you’ve come to lump me in with my family, or call me a villain again, please just leave. I can’t do this Kara.” Lena didn’t raise her voice, she didn’t need to, she knew that Kara would be able to hear her regardless.

“I haven’t,” Kara pleaded, palms still pressed against the glass. “Please.”

Lena sat back down on the couch and gestured to the empty space beside her in lieu of a verbal response. Her eyelids felt heavy, the tip of her nose red and raw from where she had repeatedly been wiping it.

Kara stepped inside almost hesitantly. It was miles away from the usual ease in which she used to bounce into Lena’s apartment, flop down on the couch and put her feet up. Her eyes were trained to the floor, fingers wringing so tightly that Lena could see where they’d started to go white instead of their usual pink.

“I-.. I don’t know why I-” Kara began and then stopped, eyes briefly glancing up at Lena before returning to the floor. “I shouldn’t have said what I said to you. I’ve come to apologise.”

“Why?” Lena didn’t even have the energy to scoff at the ridiculousness of the whole thing. “What’s changed in a few hours?”

“I need to explain,” Kara admitted, voice audibly shaky. She took Lena’s silence as a signal to continue. “A fifth dimensional being showed up at my door earlier today. I was talking to Alex about us, about how badly I wished I could go back and change things so that I wouldn’t lose you. H- He took me back, to all of these key moments in our friendship and he let me tell you. I told you who I was over and over again, at so many different moments in time, but none of it made any difference. Either people died, or you still hated me, or you got hurt. I died from kryptonite poisoning, A- Alex died because of me, Reign murdered y-you and you died in my a-arms.” Kara had to stop, and Lena listened as she took a deep breath in an attempt to compose herself before she continued on with her story. “It was so real, I guess it _was_ real, but it was horrible. I felt the life drain out of you, and it terrified me to my core. I just- I’m so _scared_ that working with Lex is going to get you hurt. I was terrified about losing you for real, and I flew here to see you and I shouldn’t have said those things, Lena. I was frightened and I lashed out, but I can’t control you or what you choose to do with your life. I was wrong to do that, and I didn’t mean any of it. I’m so sorry.”

It was an awful lot of information for Lena to process at once. Her brain was reeling as she tried to catch up through the thick fog of exhaustion that had settled over her. Kara was visibly crying now, every inch of her body was tensed and she looked as though she were about to take off into the night at any given moment.

“You did mean it,” Lena stated simply as she worked through everything in her head.

“Lena I didn’t, I swear—”

“You did.” Lena cut her off. “I am responsible for my own actions, I make my own choices. You were right, but you also make yours. You made the decision to go behind my back and lie to me, you made the choice to allow me to open up to you about my grievances with Supergirl, all the while she was sitting right there beneath your shirt. You made decisions that hurt me, _your_ actions hurt me. I made decisions that hurt you, and _my_ actions hurt _you_. We’re both at fault here, we’ve both done things that we wish we could do differently. It doesn’t give either one of us the moral high ground, and I can’t fix things with you if you think that you have it.”

“I know. I know.” Kara finally lifted her eyes from the floor, barely hiding the wince upon seeing the hurt on Lena’s face. “I screwed up. Badly. I think we both have, but I don’t want to lose you forever, Lena. I want to work through this, or at least try to work through it.”

“I do, too," Lena admitted quietly, afraid that if she spoke any louder then she would begin crying again. “Just, not right now. I need some time, Kara. I need- I need to not see you right now. I appreciate you coming here tonight, but it’s just- it’s too much. It’s too much. I have too much going on inside my head. You broke my heart, and I just need some time.”

“I broke my own heart too,” Kara confessed. “I never meant for any of this to happen. I just- I need to know that you’re done with all of this Lex stuff. I can’t move on with you if you’re still caught up in it all. I can’t- I can’t deal with you endangering yourself or anyone else. There are limits.”

“I’m done with everything for now. _Everything_. I’m going to leave town for a while and go live in Metropolis with Sam. I need to clear my head, and I need to get away from all of this.” Lena gestured blindly into the air. “I need to get away from you. It’s too difficult trying to sort everything out when I know that you’re right here, in the city. Trying to take back what you said, just because you don’t want things to get worse between us, isn’t the way to go. We have to be honest with one another, we have to be able to put everything on the table and sort through it all. We’re just not in a place to do that right now.”

“Okay, yeah. Okay.” Kara nodded as she fought back even more tears. “You’re right, and I promise to give you all the space that you need. J- Just get in touch when you’re back in town, whenever you’re ready to start working through this. Alright?”

“Alright.” Lena confirmed as her own tears spilled over. She was unable to meet Kara’s eye for a long moment before she heard the telltale _whoosh_ of air that indicated she had gone.

_How had they made such a mess of things?_

* * *

Lena spent almost six months in Metropolis.

She had temporarily handed L-Corp over to her new CFO and spent her days tinkering with personal projects and learning to find joy in the little things.

She didn’t miss a single one of Ruby’s soccer games. She made dinner with Sam every night and the three of them ate together around the table. They spoke about their day, she helped Ruby with her homework and, at Sam’s insistence, they went out clubbing a handful of times.

Some nights Sam would climb into bed beside Lena and hold her close, she would let Lena cry out all of her feelings and then get her a glass of water afterwards. Sam just seemed to know exactly what Lena needed - she could tell when Lena needed advice and when she just needed to be listened to, she knew exactly when to serve Lena a healthy dose of tough love and when to just _be there._

Lena knows she will look back on those six months and be forever grateful to Samantha Arias for pulling her out of a hole that Lena hadn’t been able to stop digging. She had given her the strength to finally return home and face up to things, to be held accountable for her actions without lashing out.

It had taken her almost two weeks after arriving back in National City before she felt brave enough to reach out, but finally Lena took a deep breath and pulled up Kara’s contact information.

_I’m ready to start working on things. I think we should talk. I’ve missed you. - L x_

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on twitter @kashymcgraths <3


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